1. You better stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about.
2. I love my grandmother's hands. Small, shriveled, and crooked with the world's worst arthritis. But makes the best lasagnas, crochets the warmest Afghans and loves me until I can't fit another spoonful.
3. Hands, tears, houses, apartments, basements, insects, plastic garbage bags, skateboard, grandparents, cousins, books, art supplies, pets, money, cancer, brother, old town, smoke, music, reoccurring nightmares, New York, Virginia, journal, photos.
4. My dog sits on the front porch with a black and white tail in its mouth. Mixed with the humid air, the sour aroma was unbearable, taking up every square inch of breathing space. I was suffering from an animal's defensive system. Tomato juice only made it worse after we all bathed in it, including my dog. My house was now a pizzeria that skunks had invested in.
- Why I Am Who I Am
-
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mikeyyyyyyyy- October 13th, 20:28
- You're Not Here
-
- mikeyyyyyyyy
- October 12th, 15:00
Telling me how fragile the world is.
That everything will be okay.
That you’re here with me,
Just talking.Listening to my breath,
My cries,
My heartbeat,
Just listening.Taking me away from reality.
From insanity,
And into your eyes,
Taking me away.Holding my hand
With warm grace
Soft you are,
Breathtaking.Lying beside me.
Soul meets Soul.
Don’t leave,
Please.Saving me from myself
From bad thoughts
The fury
Save meYou’re not here.
Telling me how fragile I am.
That I am your world,
Just reminding me.
- Memories
-
- mikeyyyyyyyy
- October 11th, 12:22
I remember going back to the house numerous times, only to gather bits and pieces of my belongings. The house would get more and more bare every time I returned. The first couple of times, as I walked into my room, tears ran down my face. I cried in silence. I let the pain consume my whole body. Sometimes I watched as it happened in the mirror. For all I saw was a ghost, staring back at me. My own soul, shattered, broken, just miserably lost appearing through a shade of gray. Everywhere I looked the memories came in a stampede, stomping over me and crushing my bones. Pictures lingered in frames on my desk, on top of my bookshelf and my burrow, all soon to be spread out over the floor. I could never stop thinking of what to bring or save. I couldn’t stop thinking period. I had no idea when I would come back.
I eventually tore the room apart. I didn’t care what it looked like anymore because it was not mine. It was a cluster of books, clothes, and collectables, my life. One trip, I took my fourteen-inch television and rolled it all the way down the street on top of a small stand that had wheels. I grabbed clothes to last me weeks at a time in the apartment. I took my books, one by one. I stuffed pictures in between the pages of books to have as future memories. The one thing that I left behind was a small sliver of happiness. That sliver was the most stable piece of life that I’ve ever lived.
- First Time I Drove a Car
-
- mikeyyyyyyyy
- August 12th, 17:50
I am in my grandmother's white cigarette scented Toyota Solara. We stopped at a vacant parking lot that used to be a grocery store. Three huge metal light posts remained in the center with sprinkled bits of glass spread among the lot. Both doors opened and we exchanged positions. She starts explaining to me the rules and regulations of the vehicle. "I know, Nanny, I've played video games before." I cup my hand on the stick, push down and put the car into drive. I step on the gas ever so slightly to put the car in a steady motion. The power of being in control overwhelmed me. I circled the parking lot with ease and cracked a decent sized smile. Around and around we went in the parking lot. "Just don't run over any glass or hit any poles or drive fast," she said. I put the car in reverse and parallel parked while imagining cars. I was now an official driver. What I don't know yet is that this would be way more than just driving in a car with my grandmother.
- Skydiving
-
- mikeyyyyyyyy
- August 12th, 17:24
Up here I can see the world like I've never seen it before. Normally I would be looking up at clouds. This time it's the opposite, I'm looking down on them. I'm about to transform from a solid to a liquid. A raindrop falling through the sky to its death. I could feel wind against my sweaty palms turning them ice cold, the only savior being my brain and my parachute. You only live once, so I jumped. Falling helplessly through the atmosphere, I started my death countdown. Three hundred and sixty seconds, three hundred fifty nine. I could feel the adrenaline flowing throughout my veins, my heart jumping out of my chest. Landscape was becoming visible. Three hundred twenty, three hundred nineteen, I pulled the blue cord and the chute did its job, expanding in the blink of an eye and stopping me from my plunge. Three hundred, two hundred ninety nine, as I float towards earth. My heartbeat slows down as for now I'm concerned about the towering trees. I land with a thump, the crackling and snapping of branches and leaves are left dangled in front of my face. Tangled in my chute with sixty seconds to go. I manage to get to a lower branch before I jump off. Three, two, one and my feet touch the ground.
- Nightmares
-
- mikeyyyyyyyy
- August 12th, 13:14
It was her exact face.
The one I wish not to see.
It keeps finding a way back.
Into the realm of my dreams.
Sometimes hiding in the shadows.
Getting ready to approach.
And destroy me.
"Do I look familiar to you?" she asked.
"I used to know you," I replied.
"Noooo," she insisted with a huge smile illuminating her face.
"You don't remember?"
"No, but come here hottie," and put her arms around me.
Then I woke up.
My eyes adjusting immediately.
The clock read 5:30 A.M.
I feel shaky, completely hollow inside.
Never wanting to fall asleep again.
Look what you've done.
Filling me with the best memories I've had.
Only making it depressing.
My eye sight goes blurry.
Don't drag me in.
Leave me.
Alone.
You've changed not for the good.
Your face makes me want to cry.
As for I see a reflection of us.
Dominating summer nights.
This poor boy.
Who thinks he's in love.
It's just a summer love.
Don't get attached.
Because.
Poof.
It's gone.
And it's not what I wanted.
Good Morning, Sunshine.
- For my Grandmother
-
- mikeyyyyyyyy
- March 14th, 13:11
I'm not the type.
To wake and imagine.
Of how life could be.
Painless.
But for this one time.
I'll leave it.
O pet peeve of mine.
In the back of my conscience.
Don't worry, everything will be fine.
What if we could live.
As long as the stars.
Time is not an object.
You are my sun.
What if one day.
You wake with a full head of hair.
Impossible miracles are proven.
They said you would shine bright forever.
What if I had everything in the world.
Then I would only have.
One thing.
A cure.
You've shown me the love for life.
You are the seed.
Planted near the window.
I water you whenever dry.
But why won't you grow.
I will never give up.
The sudden realization came upon me.
And now I can only water you with my tears.
Why can't anything last.
The what ifs are fading.
You are my sun.
And I'm freezing.
I will grow the garden of life.
For you.
Maybe, hopefully you will be there to water it too.
If not, I know you will be.
Smoking a Merit Light.
One after another.
Smiling down, watching over me.
Being amongst the strongest people I knew.
Who said I couldn't be a dreamer.
I know I'm not the only one.
- The Gift of Life
-
- mikeyyyyyyyy
- February 1st, 11:56
Soon he will be wiped off the face of existence. Maybe into a surreal universe of peaceful paranormal. Or a place of weeping and gnashing of teeth. The darkest, deepest dimension of fear, a lake of fire. Or maybe just into thin air. There's always nowhere.
I'm still alive after thirty seven years of experience. I didn't die from a car accident or get caught up in a murder, didn't fall from a cliff, or off a roller coaster. I even made it past my teens without committing suicide. But now the doctors found a malignant tumor inside of my body and its killing me. They said it's the same as breast cancer and that obviously men can get it too. I am lying here possible on my death bed thinking about everything. Memories are creeping up on my mind and crashing down on me like waves at high tide.
We were so young and in love. Too young. I was smart to have waited for your mother while everyone else was pretending and fooling around with each others emotions. I thought everyone was so immature in high school until I met her. You have to wait for the best things in life and just when I was running out of hope Sophia Divanti passed me in the hallway. I looked right into her brown eyes and knew instantly that I had to talk to her. We ended up being in a lot of the same classes and eventually after hours of talking and spending time together, I gave her my heart and she gave me hers.
She was not only the most beautiful woman ever, but the most caring. When we were teens she helped me through all my family issues and let me cry on her shoulder. I did the same in return because that's why we were together. We shared similar dreams of growing up and living in the city that never sleeps. Agreed on most everything. That we wanted to travel all around the world, record our experiences and become writers. Share the rest of our lives togeth...
His pulse went frantic and the machine started to beep a hundred times a minute. The nurses pushed his pad and pencil off his lap onto the ground and shoved a breathing tube over his mouth. Back and forth they ran to save his life. They succeeded.
His breathing is reduced to normal but the memories did not go away. He grabbed the pad of paper.
It was those warm summer nights, lying with her in an open field with our backs touching the fresh blades of grass, holding her hand and watching the stars. Whispering in her ear, " I love you," at just sixteen years old. The image makes me melt inside until this day. She was my best friend, my girlfriend and then soon became my wife.
I'm starting to get a headache now. Quick flashes are being whipped around in my head. The wedding day. The white dress she wore made her appear angelic. Mexico, she feared drinking the water, had to go back and cross the border 357 miles to Arizona and got her water. Told her I loved her. When was the last time I told my parents I loved them?
"Noah, your wife said she's doing just fine and says to tell you that she loves you and to get some rest," the nurse said.
I think if I try and go to sleep I'll never wake again.
"Tell her everything is okay over here and that I love her and can't wait to see her face again."
"Will do," the nurse replied and hurried out of the room.
Tears start to accumulate under his eyes but he keeps on going.
One thing your mother talked me into doing was having a child. Since I was a child I had the strongest belief that I would not have kids. She made me think about it all the time and I came to the question. How will my generation continue to expand if I don't have a child? The truth is it won't. Nothing will be passed on and our names will be buried in ash. The reason we're here is to give the gift of life and what was I thinking?
About eight and a half months ago, this little miracle was becoming reality. We were starting to come up with names a few weeks before this cancer came upon me. For a boy we were thinking Ryan or Noah the II. We laughed together and your mother prefered Ryan. For a girl we were thinking Isabella or just Bella. What a beautiful name. I never really thought about dying before and how you can go at any moment. This sure caught me off guard.
The tears are pouring down his face now as the nurse comes running in.
"What's the matter Noah, are you okay?"
I could barely hear what the nurse was saying over my wimpy self.
"Can you just grab me an envelope from an office or something please?"
"Sure hold on," she said.
I just wish I had more time, to write and let you know how I feel about you if I don't make it through this. You're a miracle waiting to happen in the next room. Grow up and carry on the traits, have a family of your own. I know you're going to change lives because you have the world's best mom to teach you. Know that I love you and love your mom more than anything.
Love, your father
The nurse came back with the envelope. He folded up the scraps of paper he'd been writing on and put them into the envelope, licked it, then sealed away his life. On the front he wrote, "To My Unborn Child" and underlined it. He gave the nurse instructions to give this to his wife and then closed his eyes for the last time.
A life ended, but a new one has just begun.
It was a little Bella.
- Nice to meet you.
-
- mikeyyyyyyyy
- January 29th, 20:17
I met Ryan later that day and then the next day we moved in. He was nothing special, in fact he wasn't anything at all. Just another guy. The whole time we stayed there I wondered why we did. She used him. Would it be so hard for my mother to get a job and live in an apartment with just us? It would be extremely hard but not impossible.
When we moved in, I didn't think it was that bad. After a couple of months, I wanted to be anywhere but there. An unfamiliar smell to me at the time in fumed the entire building. Pot smoke. The hallways, the kitchen, the dining room, the cabinets and my bedroom. The place where I slept. The smoke would come up through the floor from the people below. My clean clothes had a new smell to them. The hallways were really bad. Always filled with smoke, foggy and disgusting. It felt dream-like. The drugs explained the people. There were drug addicts and psychotic people all around me. If they weren't on drugs, then they were mental. My brother and I were the only normal ones living there. I thought to myself," are we even normal for living here?" We had no choice always sounded reassuring to me. I knew Ryan wasn't for choosing to live in this filthy building of fuck ups. A unstable single mother with two kids, animals and no job. Our future did not look so bright.
Maybe that's when I lost myself. I started to freak out all the time after months of living there. Hearing Ryan and my mom fighting all the time. Screaming at the top of their lungs during the day and by night hearing strange sounds through the half inch thick wall. Did she think that I was fucking stupid, or just sleeping? Or probably just didn't care. I cried myself to sleep so I could block the noises but they became louder. The level of disrespect got very low between all of us. I would wish ourselves a better life and often times pray to God. I would pray that there was such a thing as this God. Is there even a God out there? How come he cannot help me? It's nice to think there is but you don't know the truth until you pass away. That's the risk of faith. So many people are taking chances and devoting their lives. I always imagined that to be the biggest disappointment in the history of time if there wasn't one. I don't know if I'm a believer.
What I did know was that I was ashamed of myself for living there. I was embarrassed at the top of the scale and wanted no one to know that I lived in the Clockshop Apartments. Eric was one of my better friends and said that it wasn't that bad. He's ex girlfriends dad used to live in them he said. We sometimes hung out together in the apartment. We laughed at the people who lived there standing in my two by four foot kitchen making ramen soup and eating kettle corn. Pasta was all I ate. Ramen, ramen and more ramen. I had every flavor but beef was my favorite. It wasn't that hard though. It was hard saying goodbye to my house along with everything around it.
- Natural Beauty
-
- mikeyyyyyyyy
- January 10th, 16:01
The most beautiful animal.
How can we even call it an animal?
It deserves better classification.
Its insulating coat of many shades.
Black.
White.
Brown.
These simple colors blended together creating.
Random stripes and patterns.
A gift from nature.
A gift from God.
I capture you in your wild.
Fangs showing, flesh peircing sharp.
Your long white whiskers match the fur under your chin.
Strong arms and legs, threatning claws but delicate paws.
The face is what grabs my attention.
Those eyes.
Hazel green marbles with jet black ellipses.
I see my reflection through them.
For the last time.
Your presence relaxes my soul as you cuddle up next to me.
In a perfect posture.
I watch you as you sleep.
Admiring the beauty.
Your body moving up and down.
Up and down.
Up and.
Down.
Up.
And.
Down.
You're breathing, you're safe.
I never want it to stop.
My favorite smell.
That of a campfire on a summer night.
Where have you been?
She thinks she's a tiger.
Beauty is definitly there.
She's my tiger.
She's my cat.
And the love and respect I have for her is infinite.
- Buzzkill
-
- mikeyyyyyyyy
- September 21st, 2008
August 6, 2005
I was in a deep sleep, exhausted from the long but short fun filled week I wished would never end. I remember waking here and there, breaking the silence by asking where we were. I wanted to stay awake for the whole experience by my eyes couldn't bare.
"We're in Pennslyvania right now," my dads girlfriend replied. Christina was the nicest, smartest woman my dads ever dated. I give props to my dad for finding her. I was lucky that one day she would become my step-mom because they've been together for two or three years now. I still wonder about her to this day.
Sitting next to me was slacker, well thats what me and my dad called him because he lived up to it, he liked the nickname too.
"Quit taking up all the space dude," billy said to me when he weighs like 250 and took up two thirds of it.
Billy was his real name and he was christina's younger brother. It was cool that he came so that I had someone to hang out with plus he was my bestfriend at the time. Billy was a couple years older than me, three times my weight, and one lazy teenager that influenced me greatly. He was the first to influence me with my drawings and I always wished I could draw like him. Not only did he help me but he introduced me to the art world. That's also when I started playing video games alot, was with him. He showed me funny videos and all types of music that I listen to today. To make a long story short I thought he was the best. I miss hanging out with him and his big sis.
There was no room in the jeep at all. Each one of our suitcases was filled with three weeks of clothes instead of one so that you had to jump on your stuff to zip it shut. Not to mention christina having two suitcases, one for clothes the other for shampoo products and shoes. To top all that my surfboard was back there along with bogeyboards and add all the extra crap that we bought in Virginia, we had an oversize load. So the comfortablility level was very low. I heard my dad say that we're a couple hours away from Connecticut before I dozed off again.
I got woken up by a loud, firm voice. It sounded as if someone were actually yelling at me.
"Michael, Mike.., Mike wake up, your home now."
The smell of the ocean was completely gone now and thats when I realized I was at my house. I gathered my things and grabbed my suitcase out of the back, then said goodbye to everyone as I watched the jeep disappear down the road.
I never saw it coming.
I walked in the front door of my house and carelessly dropped all my things onto the floor. My mother and my brother were lying on the carpet looking at a cage like they were hypnotized or something.
"I missed you a lot, did you have fun?" she said looking up at me. The usual I thought.
"Yeah it was awesome, I had the best time of my life," I replied honestly."Thats good," she said looking more sad than ever. I saw my step dad walking around in the kitchen, not bothering to say hi.
"Whats up with the hamster?" I asked since I knew we were'nt allowed to have them anymore. My step dad didnt want anymore because he "wasted" his money on worthless little animals that died after a week or two. Everything was about money to him, money, money, money. Money can ruin peoples lives you know.
"Ryan bought this hamster for me," my brother told me. It took a few seconds to think of all the ryans I know before I asked.
"Who's Ryan?"
Thats when she told me the news that would impact my live for the next three years and so on.
"Shhhhhh, come closer to me," mom said kinda like it was a secret.
"As you know your brother's dad and I dont get along very well and he doesnt treat you good either, so we're gonna get a divorce."
I didnt quite comprehend what was going on yet, but I knew what a divorce was obviously and this would be the second one for me.
"When are you going to tell him?" I asked.
"No, no, he already knows that we're getting divorced, he knew that for tens years, I was going to tell you about Ryan."
"So Ryan is this guy ive been seeing that lives down the street and when your brother met him this weekend, he bought him a hamster," she whispered.
"Look Mike," my brother said pointing to a clear plastic ball that the hamster was moving around in.
"We even got him a ball thing for when he wants to come outa his cage," he said so fasinated by the small animal. My mom too was laughing at the hamster as if it was entertaining them.
"Ryan says that we could stay at his place until the whole divorce thing blows over, you'll probubly meet him today," mom said.
"Don't tell you know who yet though."
I stood still and thought why did it have to happen on the day I came back from an awesome vacation? I felt so weak and confused like nothing else could happen to make the day any worse. I was also scared and nervous, scared for my future and what will happen next on the train of change. I sat there for a little bit and then went up to my room. The house was completely silent, empty of all love or was once love.
As I was walking up the stairs a vivid memory came to my mind. The tank was really mad. I guess my question that I asked him pushed him over the top as he picked me up over his head and slammed me down ass first on the staircase to fracture my tailbone. It was all becuase of a question I asked when I was nine or ten years old. I've been through my fair share of physical abuse from this man and thats what my mom meant when she said he doesnt treat me good.
I always wanted a bigger room, or more closet space, even higher ceilings, but at that moment in time I layed on my bed and thought about what I had. Even then, It didnt quite hit me fully yet.
